As I have mentioned before this "alternative" blog is a place where I am giving myself the freedom to write about whatever I feel like and not worry about what other people think and "let it all hang out." Today I am going to write about a topic that is one of the biggest trials in my life and my experience as a parent. I am not going to mention which child this involves by name because if you know me you could guess and if you don't what difference does it make anyway and if my child were to ever read this I wouldn't want said child hurt by my struggles, but I think that for my own growth it is important for me to write about it and I would welcome all and any comments to help me feel like I am not alone on this planet.
Have you ever dealt with a child that gets frustrated easily and you feel helpless in remedying the situation and know from experience that any attempt you would make is futile, because this struggle is actually their's leaving you grasping at straws and frustrated yourself? Seemingly little things can set off escalating frustration tantrums, like socks that are uncomfortable or unmanageable hair or falling off a scooter or the presence of dogs. Lots of things can exacerbate the situation like lack of rest or nutrition (meaning not eating or drinking enough (it is amazing how a warm bowl of mac-n-cheese can make the whole world a better place to be in)) time constraints, siblings vying for attention, half-heard or misunderstood conversations, situations where said child feels a loss of control, and drugs (chemotherapy, which, thankfully we no longer have to deal with). So, as a parent I have had to learn which kind of situations to avoid in order to avoid such tantrums. Last year I learned the hard way that I could only take advantage of bringing a guest to the zoo with our pass when said child was at school. And now I have learned that when walking with and talking to my walking buddy and her kids to school, biking and scootering are out of the question for said child. Those of you who know me have probably had the unfortunate experience of witnessing one of these aforementioned tantrums, and my reaction to them was probably puzzling and possibly troubling to you and I often find myself floundering in such situations. On the one hand I can't make excuses for said child's behavior, and on the other hand for my own mental health, I can't claim responsibility for it either it is something that we have been working on for a long time and I suspect we will be for a long time to come. I don't really have any solid answers except to try to create a good environment for said child's special needs. I have learned a lot from dealing with it, like not to judge parents based on their child's behavior (if I did, I couldn't look myself in the mirror considering some of the things she has done and said in one of her fits of rage) and I have learned patience and a little about unconditional love, because no matter how she responds to her own personal trials and how frustrating it is for me to watch and try to deal with, I will always love her. Sometimes I feel like she is trapped in a different world, and I want to pull her back into a peaceful and safe place, but I don't know how. Sometimes a hug and a softly spoken word can do the trick, or looking her right in the eye and saying some magic words can get her to snap back into the reality that the rest of us are dealing with. But often times, I don't know the magic words or get frustrated myself and can't reach her.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Sunday, September 28, 2008
My Official Political Post
I feel nervous writing this, but I have been meaning to for a while and after the debate on Friday and the First Presidency message read over the pulpit this morning, I feel the need, to put out there what I really think, politically. Before I just say, "I love Senator X and hope that he will become president because it will be the best thing for our country!!!!" I want to let you in on my reasoning and gut feelings about a few important issues to me.
Issue # 1: Foreign Policy and WAR
To me this is the most important issue because it affects our relations with other countries, our standing in the world, peace at home, and our economy. I have to come right out and say that in general I don't like war, although I do understand the important role that our country played in the 2 world wars. Although I do respect the people of the armed services for putting their life on the line to serve their country, I do not agree with a lot of our country's recent choices in using force around the world. I believe that diplomacy should always be the first method in resolving international conflicts, and that we need to make allies with countries who share common values and not alienate them by acting unilaterally. I was appalled that congress gave Bush the power to invade Iraq, and I disagree with the idea of "declaring war on terror." To me that sounds like a war that will never end. So, when I watched MaCain's acceptance speech at the Republican convention, I was shocked and appalled at how much they glorified and highlighted his family's military background. To me it was reminisce of Nazi propaganda films--very scary.
Here are some of the things he has promised if we elect him that make me vary wary:
"We will be involved in another war."
"War is inevitable if I am president of this great country."
"I would not be opposed to a 100 year's presence in Iraq."
Issue #2 Health Coverage
My belief is that every citizen of our country should enjoy the benefits of modern medicine regardless of their financial situation. I understand that it is a strongly held value in our country that people should reap the rewards of their hard labor and we value the rugged individual and subconsciously judge people's worth based on superficial factors because we do value work so much. This mindset leads to the thought that those who have money deserve the best, and if you don't than you probably don't work hard enough. Well, we all know that it rains on the just and unjust equally and that fortunes can be lost overnight. Taking all this into account, we do live in a country where we are blessed to have access to superb medical care, but there are people who live in this great country who cannot access the care they need. I think it is a crying shame and very un-Christian. So, can you guess which candidate appeals to me more? That's right, the one who wants to make a change in the health care system so that all Americans are covered. Not the one who wants to add a new tax to employers who offer health insurance and give people a rebate for opting out of group insurance (they would effectively have to go without insurance for a year before they could independently buy their own with the rebate). I am aware of the many issues that this brings up and the fears of socialized medicine, but I believe that we can come up with a way for all Americans to have access to the best medical care without sacrificing our right to chose our own doctors.
OK well, I guess those are the two big issues for me. Some other things that bug me about McCain are:
1. During the debate he kept trying to make it seem like Obama wants to spend too much money on social causes while not addressing the huge overspending on defense that he supports. Wouldn't we rather keep our tax dollars at home to bless our citizens than invading other countries and putting our soldiers in harm's way? It is seriously a DROP in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars we spend every day on the military.
2. His ploy to win over women's votes by choosing an unqualified and over-committed female running mate. I don't have anything against women holding office, but her kids need her at home. I needed my mom at home and she was only working 40 minutes away, not in the White House. I'm sure he could have found a more qualified running mate who didn't have small children to raise.
3. The fact that he is trying to win voters with the "pro-life" card. I know that a lot of Christians feel strongly about this issue, but it is just one issue, and he is trying to use it to get people to not really think about a lot of other issues, that could potentially affect a lot more people's lives. Consider all of the people who voted for Bush just on the issue of abortion. What if you said to them X number of innocent people (in Iraq and Afganistan, not to mention US soldiers) are going to die at Bush's hands if he is elected, and during his presidency he will have no affect on the abortion issue in our country, would they have voted the same? I am pro-life, but not just for fetuses, for all of Heavenly Father's children.
Here are some things that I LOVE about Obama (besides the fact that his speeches bring me to tears and that he is so handsome and articulate, unlike his opponent who can't say more than 3 words without looking at his notes.)
1. He cares about people and the welfare of all Americans not just the wealthiest.
2. He wants to get out of Iraq ASAP.
3. He knows what it takes to succeed against all odds.
4. He wants to reform our health care system.
5. He doesn't have military background.
I really believe that our country would have been a lot better off if eight years ago the man we elected for president could have actually taken office.
Call me a liberal if you want, I'll take it as a compliment. I believe that our Savior is the most liberal man ever, and I am trying to be like him.
Issue # 1: Foreign Policy and WAR
To me this is the most important issue because it affects our relations with other countries, our standing in the world, peace at home, and our economy. I have to come right out and say that in general I don't like war, although I do understand the important role that our country played in the 2 world wars. Although I do respect the people of the armed services for putting their life on the line to serve their country, I do not agree with a lot of our country's recent choices in using force around the world. I believe that diplomacy should always be the first method in resolving international conflicts, and that we need to make allies with countries who share common values and not alienate them by acting unilaterally. I was appalled that congress gave Bush the power to invade Iraq, and I disagree with the idea of "declaring war on terror." To me that sounds like a war that will never end. So, when I watched MaCain's acceptance speech at the Republican convention, I was shocked and appalled at how much they glorified and highlighted his family's military background. To me it was reminisce of Nazi propaganda films--very scary.
Here are some of the things he has promised if we elect him that make me vary wary:
"We will be involved in another war."
"War is inevitable if I am president of this great country."
"I would not be opposed to a 100 year's presence in Iraq."
Issue #2 Health Coverage
My belief is that every citizen of our country should enjoy the benefits of modern medicine regardless of their financial situation. I understand that it is a strongly held value in our country that people should reap the rewards of their hard labor and we value the rugged individual and subconsciously judge people's worth based on superficial factors because we do value work so much. This mindset leads to the thought that those who have money deserve the best, and if you don't than you probably don't work hard enough. Well, we all know that it rains on the just and unjust equally and that fortunes can be lost overnight. Taking all this into account, we do live in a country where we are blessed to have access to superb medical care, but there are people who live in this great country who cannot access the care they need. I think it is a crying shame and very un-Christian. So, can you guess which candidate appeals to me more? That's right, the one who wants to make a change in the health care system so that all Americans are covered. Not the one who wants to add a new tax to employers who offer health insurance and give people a rebate for opting out of group insurance (they would effectively have to go without insurance for a year before they could independently buy their own with the rebate). I am aware of the many issues that this brings up and the fears of socialized medicine, but I believe that we can come up with a way for all Americans to have access to the best medical care without sacrificing our right to chose our own doctors.
OK well, I guess those are the two big issues for me. Some other things that bug me about McCain are:
1. During the debate he kept trying to make it seem like Obama wants to spend too much money on social causes while not addressing the huge overspending on defense that he supports. Wouldn't we rather keep our tax dollars at home to bless our citizens than invading other countries and putting our soldiers in harm's way? It is seriously a DROP in the bucket compared to the millions of dollars we spend every day on the military.
2. His ploy to win over women's votes by choosing an unqualified and over-committed female running mate. I don't have anything against women holding office, but her kids need her at home. I needed my mom at home and she was only working 40 minutes away, not in the White House. I'm sure he could have found a more qualified running mate who didn't have small children to raise.
3. The fact that he is trying to win voters with the "pro-life" card. I know that a lot of Christians feel strongly about this issue, but it is just one issue, and he is trying to use it to get people to not really think about a lot of other issues, that could potentially affect a lot more people's lives. Consider all of the people who voted for Bush just on the issue of abortion. What if you said to them X number of innocent people (in Iraq and Afganistan, not to mention US soldiers) are going to die at Bush's hands if he is elected, and during his presidency he will have no affect on the abortion issue in our country, would they have voted the same? I am pro-life, but not just for fetuses, for all of Heavenly Father's children.
Here are some things that I LOVE about Obama (besides the fact that his speeches bring me to tears and that he is so handsome and articulate, unlike his opponent who can't say more than 3 words without looking at his notes.)
1. He cares about people and the welfare of all Americans not just the wealthiest.
2. He wants to get out of Iraq ASAP.
3. He knows what it takes to succeed against all odds.
4. He wants to reform our health care system.
5. He doesn't have military background.
I really believe that our country would have been a lot better off if eight years ago the man we elected for president could have actually taken office.
Call me a liberal if you want, I'll take it as a compliment. I believe that our Savior is the most liberal man ever, and I am trying to be like him.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Deep thoughts about conversion, everyday life and following the prophet
A few days ago I read a blog post on Segullah titled "Have you born your testimony on YouTube yet?" It really got me thinking about our level of conversion as modern members of the Church. I did go to YouTube after that I watched a bunch of videos about the church. There is plenty of anti stuff out there and funny missionary stuff, but I didn't see any personal testimonies. Some of the comments that I read on Segullah of women justifying why they are not ready to put there personal testimony out there or make their blog more spiritual got me thinking about my own life and how truly converted I was. Maybe converted isn't the right word, probably obedient is more fitting.
A lot of things the modern prophets have asked us to do are easy, but a lot of them are too easy to put off. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. For example, having family home evening and daily family scripture study is easy for us now. We have been consistent about it for at least 3 years now, and they admittedly could use a lot of improvement, but we are consistent and the pattern is there. Food storage on the other hand is something that I think a lot about and try to do, but I feel guilty spending a lot on food storage when there are bills to pay. Which leads to another tough one, staying out of debt. It is so easy to use debt when "special circumstances" arise, but so hard to make the sacrifices to pay it off later.
Until our house in Utah sells, we need to watch our budget pretty closely, so for the past few weeks I have been studying our expenditures trying to figure out ways to cut back. Most recurring expenses we don't have a lot of control over. We turned the thermostat up so that we aren't using the air conditioner as much, and I try not to drive around unnecessarily, but it seems like the category that we can change the most is spending on food and clothes. Before school started I organized the kids drawers and closets and realized that we don't really need to buy new clothes for the fall, they all have plenty. So, I didn't follow the tradition of buying new school clothes. And Nikolay and I both have plenty of clothes as well.
So, back to following the prophets. If I am really devout, wouldn't I say getting out of debt so that we can build up food storage is more important than new clothes. The more I think of it I think, "Of course it is!" It is just an example of how our priorities can slide. I often reflect on the time when I was on my mission and everything was so clear, there weren't so many gray areas. But after having kids and gradually getting used to living with a higher income, you start to think that some things are more important than others and before you know it your priorities get mixed up. When we were poor students I didn't put much stock into buying cute outfits and new toys for our new baby, basically because we were used to not shopping, and now I need to get back into that mentality.
One more thought on the food storage front. I have set up a daily limit of how much I can spend so that our account isn't at $0 at the end of the month, and I realized that because some purchases earlier this week, I basically need to stay away from the grocery store for the next few days. A few weeks ago I went to the dry pack cannery with some sisters from my ward and canned things that I thought that we could easily use and rotate. I had originally planned on not opening them for like a year or so, but I decided to start using them now rather than going over my budget for the week. That got me thinking about some of the food that I canned like beans and oatmeal. I need to get my family used to eating them more, and the discipline that it will take to actually make good food that they will eat out of things that can be stored for years and years is a way of showing my obedience and devotion.
I had a long discussion with Rebekah recently about how sometimes topics like food storage get more attention at church than the core Gospel topics like the atonement of Jesus Christ. I do see how some people latch onto certain causes in the Church and become obsessed with them and loose sight of living a Christ-like life, so it is important to keep everything in perspective and balanced. I think that a lot of the modern day commandments are more about obedience than the obvious practicality of them that we focus on so much. I don't think that on Judgment Day, the size of our food storage is going to carry more weight than how we treated people and how successfully we submitted our will to His and became instruments in His hands. Or that the Word of Wisdom is just important just to keep us healthy, but more of a spiritual test and an physical manifestation of our willingness to be obedient. As humans we need physical reminders to keep our self-control in check. It is easy for most of us to avoid smoking and drinking ,but what about eating whole grains and getting enough sleep?
Back to conversion, if I want my life to be as clear and focused as it was when I was a missionary, I know what I need to do. I need to ponder the scriptures as much as I did then, I need to spend as much time seeking the Lord's will as I do my own diversions (quilting, scrapbooking, blogging). Yeah, I'm a mom and know that raising my kids is what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life, but maybe I will be able to give them even more, if I become more. I need to avoid going into auto pilot by just making sure they are fed and clothed and read to, and just being along for the ride in motherhood. I need to take control and find my "mission" and purpose in their lives. I want to be the mother that I believe every human wishes they had.
A lot of things the modern prophets have asked us to do are easy, but a lot of them are too easy to put off. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. For example, having family home evening and daily family scripture study is easy for us now. We have been consistent about it for at least 3 years now, and they admittedly could use a lot of improvement, but we are consistent and the pattern is there. Food storage on the other hand is something that I think a lot about and try to do, but I feel guilty spending a lot on food storage when there are bills to pay. Which leads to another tough one, staying out of debt. It is so easy to use debt when "special circumstances" arise, but so hard to make the sacrifices to pay it off later.
Until our house in Utah sells, we need to watch our budget pretty closely, so for the past few weeks I have been studying our expenditures trying to figure out ways to cut back. Most recurring expenses we don't have a lot of control over. We turned the thermostat up so that we aren't using the air conditioner as much, and I try not to drive around unnecessarily, but it seems like the category that we can change the most is spending on food and clothes. Before school started I organized the kids drawers and closets and realized that we don't really need to buy new clothes for the fall, they all have plenty. So, I didn't follow the tradition of buying new school clothes. And Nikolay and I both have plenty of clothes as well.
So, back to following the prophets. If I am really devout, wouldn't I say getting out of debt so that we can build up food storage is more important than new clothes. The more I think of it I think, "Of course it is!" It is just an example of how our priorities can slide. I often reflect on the time when I was on my mission and everything was so clear, there weren't so many gray areas. But after having kids and gradually getting used to living with a higher income, you start to think that some things are more important than others and before you know it your priorities get mixed up. When we were poor students I didn't put much stock into buying cute outfits and new toys for our new baby, basically because we were used to not shopping, and now I need to get back into that mentality.
One more thought on the food storage front. I have set up a daily limit of how much I can spend so that our account isn't at $0 at the end of the month, and I realized that because some purchases earlier this week, I basically need to stay away from the grocery store for the next few days. A few weeks ago I went to the dry pack cannery with some sisters from my ward and canned things that I thought that we could easily use and rotate. I had originally planned on not opening them for like a year or so, but I decided to start using them now rather than going over my budget for the week. That got me thinking about some of the food that I canned like beans and oatmeal. I need to get my family used to eating them more, and the discipline that it will take to actually make good food that they will eat out of things that can be stored for years and years is a way of showing my obedience and devotion.
I had a long discussion with Rebekah recently about how sometimes topics like food storage get more attention at church than the core Gospel topics like the atonement of Jesus Christ. I do see how some people latch onto certain causes in the Church and become obsessed with them and loose sight of living a Christ-like life, so it is important to keep everything in perspective and balanced. I think that a lot of the modern day commandments are more about obedience than the obvious practicality of them that we focus on so much. I don't think that on Judgment Day, the size of our food storage is going to carry more weight than how we treated people and how successfully we submitted our will to His and became instruments in His hands. Or that the Word of Wisdom is just important just to keep us healthy, but more of a spiritual test and an physical manifestation of our willingness to be obedient. As humans we need physical reminders to keep our self-control in check. It is easy for most of us to avoid smoking and drinking ,but what about eating whole grains and getting enough sleep?
Back to conversion, if I want my life to be as clear and focused as it was when I was a missionary, I know what I need to do. I need to ponder the scriptures as much as I did then, I need to spend as much time seeking the Lord's will as I do my own diversions (quilting, scrapbooking, blogging). Yeah, I'm a mom and know that raising my kids is what I am supposed to be doing right now in my life, but maybe I will be able to give them even more, if I become more. I need to avoid going into auto pilot by just making sure they are fed and clothed and read to, and just being along for the ride in motherhood. I need to take control and find my "mission" and purpose in their lives. I want to be the mother that I believe every human wishes they had.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Deep thoughts
I took the kids to church by myself today, which is a feat in itself. I have a tendency to zone out during sacrament meeting and just focus on keeping the kids quiet and satisfied, but as I sat there I thought, "What is the point of me making this big effort to take the kids to church alone if I'm not even paying attention?" So, I focused my attention on the speakers, and since it was fast Sunday I tried to think what I would testify about if I were to go up. My testimony has grown the most in the past few months in the realization of God directing our lives. It is really humbling to acknowledge his hand in the direction that our lives take. People always say, "Everything happens for a reason." I think that is the PC way of saying, "God is really in charge here." As I was thinking about this and considering which personal examples I would share if I were to go up, a sister missionary got up and said, " I feel really impressed to bear my testimony that God is real and He directs our lives for specific reasons. He puts people in our lives who we may share experiences with." Not only do I think that this move to Pennsylvania is part of the "plan" and that he led us here, but that the people that I am getting to know here are people who he wants me to bless and influence.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I used to be tough
When I was in elementary school at Hudson Elementary, I prided myself in being faster and stronger than the boys. I held records for climbing the rope in gym.
So, when I was a teenager and cut myself in the sink while doing the dishes when a glass broke and I almost fainted, I was so surprised that I wasn't tougher. Then I got sick and they pricked my finger at the doctor's office and I think I did faint. It really was blow to my ego that I was afraid of blood and couldn't control my physical reaction to it.
I remember one time waiting in line to give blood at a blood drive on campus in college reading all of the warnings about AIDS and then it was my turn to go lay on the hospital bed thing. As I approached it, I almost didn't make it and the nurse won't take my blood even as I tried to be brave, I was really light headed and lost my balance. I felt guilty eating the cookie and drinking the juice on her insistence.
So, when Ariel was first admitted to the hospital in 2005 I kept telling the nurses that I was not good around blood. When I found out the day before she was released that I would be in charge of administering her IV antibiotics 3 times a day and changing the dressing at her central line site twice a week, I had a melt down. I really felt that it was too much for me. I never wanted to go into the medical industry for a reason, and now, I just had to do it, it was just up to me, end of story. I was so scared to leave the hospital. My impression when I first found out she had cancer was that she would be in the hospital for months, so when they wanted to send us home after just 5 days, I wasn't ready. But back to the blood. . . I remembered the priesthood blessings that I had been given and the strength that I had been promised and I really did feel buoyed up and was able to do things that I had never thought I could.
Then about a year and a half into treatment, I almost fainted again. We were in the emergency room in the middle of the night with an unexplainable fever, and the nurse was trying to access her port (poking her chest with a needle) to draw blood and start and IV. Ariel was scared, so I was holding her hands and putting on a brave face. The nurse wasn't sure of what she was doing, so I feigned confidence in her too, hoping that she could do it and it would all work out. After 3 attempts, she called in an IV team. By this point I was running out of promises for Ariel and confidence in the medical staff. When the IV team arrived, I was relieved. The lady looked a lot more confident and put together, she must know what she was doing, right? After Ariel was stabbed two more times without success, my knees started to get wobbly, so I propped myself up. Then she was stabbed again and the nurse tried to push the needle in farther to get the port to work. Ariel had also put a brave face by this point, but was fighting back tears. Then the room started spinning and I couldn't think straight and my palms were sweaty, but I felt so guilty for being so wimpy when Ariel and the nurses needed me to be strong. I sat down for a minute. When the nurse tried again, I could see the pain on Ariel's face and insisted that she stop pushing because Ariel was in pain. Then I asked them to send down a nurse from the HEM/ONC floor. When she arrived is was such a relief to see a familiar face and she accessed Ariel's port right away with no problems. We had at least two more similar instances in the months that followed, but then I knew to ask for the HEM/ONC nurse right away. That incidence of almost fainting in the emergency room reminded me of the time that I really did faint on my mission, so I told Ariel and all the nurses about it to lighten up the room.
My companion had twisted her ankle, but was afraid that she would get sent home if anyone found out about it. She couldn't really put any weight on it and the elders made an appointment for her to see a doctor and they accompanied us there. As the doctor was examining her ankle he was pushing on different spots and asking her if it hurt. He wasn't looking at her face and she wasn't saying anything, but I could see from her face that she was in a lot of pain. I was taking it all in and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor with my head sticking out in the hallway watching the Ukrainian nurses walk by in their short white old-fashioned nurse dresses and listening to the elders, the doctor and my companion talking about how I just fainted and wishing that everyone would be a little quieter so I could just drift off to sleep with the comfortable cold tile floor against my cheek.
So, when I was a teenager and cut myself in the sink while doing the dishes when a glass broke and I almost fainted, I was so surprised that I wasn't tougher. Then I got sick and they pricked my finger at the doctor's office and I think I did faint. It really was blow to my ego that I was afraid of blood and couldn't control my physical reaction to it.
I remember one time waiting in line to give blood at a blood drive on campus in college reading all of the warnings about AIDS and then it was my turn to go lay on the hospital bed thing. As I approached it, I almost didn't make it and the nurse won't take my blood even as I tried to be brave, I was really light headed and lost my balance. I felt guilty eating the cookie and drinking the juice on her insistence.
So, when Ariel was first admitted to the hospital in 2005 I kept telling the nurses that I was not good around blood. When I found out the day before she was released that I would be in charge of administering her IV antibiotics 3 times a day and changing the dressing at her central line site twice a week, I had a melt down. I really felt that it was too much for me. I never wanted to go into the medical industry for a reason, and now, I just had to do it, it was just up to me, end of story. I was so scared to leave the hospital. My impression when I first found out she had cancer was that she would be in the hospital for months, so when they wanted to send us home after just 5 days, I wasn't ready. But back to the blood. . . I remembered the priesthood blessings that I had been given and the strength that I had been promised and I really did feel buoyed up and was able to do things that I had never thought I could.
Then about a year and a half into treatment, I almost fainted again. We were in the emergency room in the middle of the night with an unexplainable fever, and the nurse was trying to access her port (poking her chest with a needle) to draw blood and start and IV. Ariel was scared, so I was holding her hands and putting on a brave face. The nurse wasn't sure of what she was doing, so I feigned confidence in her too, hoping that she could do it and it would all work out. After 3 attempts, she called in an IV team. By this point I was running out of promises for Ariel and confidence in the medical staff. When the IV team arrived, I was relieved. The lady looked a lot more confident and put together, she must know what she was doing, right? After Ariel was stabbed two more times without success, my knees started to get wobbly, so I propped myself up. Then she was stabbed again and the nurse tried to push the needle in farther to get the port to work. Ariel had also put a brave face by this point, but was fighting back tears. Then the room started spinning and I couldn't think straight and my palms were sweaty, but I felt so guilty for being so wimpy when Ariel and the nurses needed me to be strong. I sat down for a minute. When the nurse tried again, I could see the pain on Ariel's face and insisted that she stop pushing because Ariel was in pain. Then I asked them to send down a nurse from the HEM/ONC floor. When she arrived is was such a relief to see a familiar face and she accessed Ariel's port right away with no problems. We had at least two more similar instances in the months that followed, but then I knew to ask for the HEM/ONC nurse right away. That incidence of almost fainting in the emergency room reminded me of the time that I really did faint on my mission, so I told Ariel and all the nurses about it to lighten up the room.
My companion had twisted her ankle, but was afraid that she would get sent home if anyone found out about it. She couldn't really put any weight on it and the elders made an appointment for her to see a doctor and they accompanied us there. As the doctor was examining her ankle he was pushing on different spots and asking her if it hurt. He wasn't looking at her face and she wasn't saying anything, but I could see from her face that she was in a lot of pain. I was taking it all in and the next thing I knew I was laying on the floor with my head sticking out in the hallway watching the Ukrainian nurses walk by in their short white old-fashioned nurse dresses and listening to the elders, the doctor and my companion talking about how I just fainted and wishing that everyone would be a little quieter so I could just drift off to sleep with the comfortable cold tile floor against my cheek.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
familial relationships
In my first post I mentioned that I was thinking a lot about how familial relationships influence how we develop into who we are. I often wonder when I watch my kids interact with each other when I should step in and when I should just let them work things out. I asked one of new friends about it because she is really interesting to talk to about raising kids but the only answer she gave me was "It is good to know that you an always pray about those situations." I really wanted a more concrete response. It reminds me the time in Utah when I asked a good friend of mine and mother of 6 what she does when her kids fight. She just laughed and said she couldn't help me with sibling rivalry. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about it? Is it because their kids are always nice? Is it because they are embarrassed by how they actually handle situations? I sometimes feel this pressure that "mother (should) always know best" but most of the time I don't. When Ariel was 4 and threw fits all the time and used lots of other tactics to get attention I asked another friend what she used to do when her daughter was that age and acted like that, she just gave me a dead pan stare and said her daughter never was like that. Oh, great. I have an exceptionally attention getting daughter, what does that say about me. (sarcasm) I was brought up to believe that bad kids are a direct result of bad parenting, so it has been really hard on my parent self image to deal with my "blessings." It is funny when some of my siblings made huge mistakes in their lives someone was conveniently absolved of all responsibility in the formation of their character. So, I don't mean to point any fingers, but their is a fine line between doing our best raising our children and turning it over to their relationship with Heavenly Father and practicing their own agency and actually neglecting our parental responsibilities and then asserting in one way or another that we really had no hand in the subsequent faults that we want to hang over their heads or sweep under the rug.
Today at play group I noticed how the other moms talk to their kids in a very kind almost sing songy voice and when they don't do something "right" they give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that the child should have understood what any adult understands. That is how I wish my mom would act with my kids but I know that I am not that way either. I find myself being short tempered with my kids and holding them accountable for a lot more than they are actually capable of.
Today at play group I noticed how the other moms talk to their kids in a very kind almost sing songy voice and when they don't do something "right" they give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that the child should have understood what any adult understands. That is how I wish my mom would act with my kids but I know that I am not that way either. I find myself being short tempered with my kids and holding them accountable for a lot more than they are actually capable of.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Do you just hate making "important phone calls" Like setting up doctor's appointments, or calling the moving company to ask for some money back because they were 3 days late picking up your stuff and you had to get on the plane to fly to a different state hoping that nothing that you stacked up in your carport gets stolen before the moving van comes not knowing exactly when that would be? Well, I made those kind of phone calls today, so I am rewarding myself with some blog time. I've been reading some really good blogs, with sophisticated and inspiring and witty writing and some pretty pathetic ones too, and no I feel like writing.
It goes along with my hibernation theory, that sometimes you have to take a lot in and mull it over before you are ready to generate something worthwhile. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the influences of familial relationships growing up on how you view and react to things in life. But now it is dinner time so I'll have to finish that thought later.
It goes along with my hibernation theory, that sometimes you have to take a lot in and mull it over before you are ready to generate something worthwhile. Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about the influences of familial relationships growing up on how you view and react to things in life. But now it is dinner time so I'll have to finish that thought later.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
improvements
On the spare tire front, I ran both Friday and Saturday morning through the park. Ariel and Adriana rode their bikes and I pushed Annika and Dallin in the stroller. The kids loved it and me too. One the uptight husband front, he had been surprising me lately and maybe I was overreacting. And I figured out something to help me have more patience with the kids: when I have to wait for them to do something really slowly like Annika wanting to do things herself because she is a big girl or Ariel taking her time deciding if she really wants to listen to me or not, I do some little exercise wherever I am like leg lifts or bicep curls or something to keep my mind off the current problem and let the time pass quicker instead of losing my temper with them. more later
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Let it all hang out
For a while now I have been wanting to start a new blog where I could say whatever I want and not worry about who is reading it, but deep down I would like someone to be reading it and I would really enjoy comments. When I started my first blog, it was going to be all about me, but now it is more about my kids, and I am using it to keep family and friends up to date on how we are doing. Here I would like to write more and express my views on different things in my life. Currently I am not that great at using humor to relate uncomfortable or disturbing life situations so I would like to develop that better. So I am going to start out with my three biggest problems in life currently and try to explore them. First, my husband has become very uptight lately. He is overprotective and afraid the kids are going to get hurt all the time. I don't really know how to deal with it. Second, I can't seem to get rid of my spare tire. I tried this morning to only eat fruits and vegetables for breakfast, and it was going really well, becasue I really didn't feel hungry so I reasoned that I didn't need to eat a lot because I wasn't hungry anyway, but by the time we got home from swimming lessons at 12:30 I was ravenous and ate some tortilla chips with french onion dip that had way too much fat and salt in them, and I still don't feel satiated but I can't figure out what else to do. I have this place in the middle of my forehead that feels foggy and wants me to eat chocolate or something red. My third problem is being happy being a mom. Although there are plenty of blissful motherhood moments scattered throughout the day there are too many frustrated or regretful moments. I think back on my life and think of when I was happiest. I really liked my college years when I was constantly intellectually stimulated and was full of myself and my uniqueness, but now I don't have classes to go to with professors challenging me and I don't care all that much about looking "cool" anymore, like I couldn't even come up with a "cool" looking outfit if I tried. The bummer part of those years was that I always felt lonely and was in a desperate search for my "one true love." Now that I have found him, I don't have all that mystery and excitement to look forward too, and I still get kinda lonely just in different ways. I think about on my mission when I felt full of purpose and knew that I was doing what the Lord wanted me to do, and I was sure that I was doing it the right way. Now, I know that I am supposed to be raising my children in love and peace and helping them develop their talents and learn right from wrong and be productive members of society and feel good about themselves, and not have all the complexes that I grew up with like thinking that you are not good enough for certain people or institutions. But I feel really lost as to accomplish all of those things. More later
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