familial relationships

In my first post I mentioned that I was thinking a lot about how familial relationships influence how we develop into who we are. I often wonder when I watch my kids interact with each other when I should step in and when I should just let them work things out. I asked one of new friends about it because she is really interesting to talk to about raising kids but the only answer she gave me was "It is good to know that you an always pray about those situations." I really wanted a more concrete response. It reminds me the time in Utah when I asked a good friend of mine and mother of 6 what she does when her kids fight. She just laughed and said she couldn't help me with sibling rivalry. Why doesn't anyone want to talk about it? Is it because their kids are always nice? Is it because they are embarrassed by how they actually handle situations? I sometimes feel this pressure that "mother (should) always know best" but most of the time I don't. When Ariel was 4 and threw fits all the time and used lots of other tactics to get attention I asked another friend what she used to do when her daughter was that age and acted like that, she just gave me a dead pan stare and said her daughter never was like that. Oh, great. I have an exceptionally attention getting daughter, what does that say about me. (sarcasm) I was brought up to believe that bad kids are a direct result of bad parenting, so it has been really hard on my parent self image to deal with my "blessings." It is funny when some of my siblings made huge mistakes in their lives someone was conveniently absolved of all responsibility in the formation of their character. So, I don't mean to point any fingers, but their is a fine line between doing our best raising our children and turning it over to their relationship with Heavenly Father and practicing their own agency and actually neglecting our parental responsibilities and then asserting in one way or another that we really had no hand in the subsequent faults that we want to hang over their heads or sweep under the rug.
Today at play group I noticed how the other moms talk to their kids in a very kind almost sing songy voice and when they don't do something "right" they give them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that the child should have understood what any adult understands. That is how I wish my mom would act with my kids but I know that I am not that way either. I find myself being short tempered with my kids and holding them accountable for a lot more than they are actually capable of.