As I have mentioned before this "alternative" blog is a place where I am giving myself the freedom to write about whatever I feel like and not worry about what other people think and "let it all hang out." Today I am going to write about a topic that is one of the biggest trials in my life and my experience as a parent. I am not going to mention which child this involves by name because if you know me you could guess and if you don't what difference does it make anyway and if my child were to ever read this I wouldn't want said child hurt by my struggles, but I think that for my own growth it is important for me to write about it and I would welcome all and any comments to help me feel like I am not alone on this planet.
Have you ever dealt with a child that gets frustrated easily and you feel helpless in remedying the situation and know from experience that any attempt you would make is futile, because this struggle is actually their's leaving you grasping at straws and frustrated yourself? Seemingly little things can set off escalating frustration tantrums, like socks that are uncomfortable or unmanageable hair or falling off a scooter or the presence of dogs. Lots of things can exacerbate the situation like lack of rest or nutrition (meaning not eating or drinking enough (it is amazing how a warm bowl of mac-n-cheese can make the whole world a better place to be in)) time constraints, siblings vying for attention, half-heard or misunderstood conversations, situations where said child feels a loss of control, and drugs (chemotherapy, which, thankfully we no longer have to deal with). So, as a parent I have had to learn which kind of situations to avoid in order to avoid such tantrums. Last year I learned the hard way that I could only take advantage of bringing a guest to the zoo with our pass when said child was at school. And now I have learned that when walking with and talking to my walking buddy and her kids to school, biking and scootering are out of the question for said child. Those of you who know me have probably had the unfortunate experience of witnessing one of these aforementioned tantrums, and my reaction to them was probably puzzling and possibly troubling to you and I often find myself floundering in such situations. On the one hand I can't make excuses for said child's behavior, and on the other hand for my own mental health, I can't claim responsibility for it either it is something that we have been working on for a long time and I suspect we will be for a long time to come. I don't really have any solid answers except to try to create a good environment for said child's special needs. I have learned a lot from dealing with it, like not to judge parents based on their child's behavior (if I did, I couldn't look myself in the mirror considering some of the things she has done and said in one of her fits of rage) and I have learned patience and a little about unconditional love, because no matter how she responds to her own personal trials and how frustrating it is for me to watch and try to deal with, I will always love her. Sometimes I feel like she is trapped in a different world, and I want to pull her back into a peaceful and safe place, but I don't know how. Sometimes a hug and a softly spoken word can do the trick, or looking her right in the eye and saying some magic words can get her to snap back into the reality that the rest of us are dealing with. But often times, I don't know the magic words or get frustrated myself and can't reach her.
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2 comments:
I always feel bad commenting on parenting issues when I'm not yet a parent. But from a teacher's perspective I think you guys are doing great. Ariel has come a long way in the years we've spent with you. She's a highly emotional, spirited child that is always going to be hard. But you're making progress and that's what counts. I think the key is setting expectations and consequences, following through every single time, and rewarding good behavior every time it happens. Good luck! We should talk soon.
Oh and I subscribed to this blog but I never get the updates in my bloglines, for some reason!
Emily
Of all the "sacrifices" I've ever had to make as a mom the hardest one for me is my pride. I have a child who makes me look bad all the time. I try to do what's best for him (mostly I have to guess) even when he hits me in public or makes me feel dumb because he won't apologize to another child or something like that. It's really hard. It takes a real effort on my part to react to him as a person with needs and not as a reflection of my parenting mistakes.
I do know that people are usually judging us much less harshly than we assume. Hang in there! Sounds like you are thoughtful and kind and doing your best. Good luck.
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